Why People Pleasing Is Your Greatest Enemy

I like to think of myself as a recovering people pleaser. I haven’t completely kicked the habit, but I am getting there, and so can you! People pleasing is a very common trait, especially in women. I think this is because from a very young age we are taught that we should be nice, well behaved, and accommodating all the time.

Most of us also grew up hearing “But what would people think?!” or watching our mothers panic clean the house every time company was coming over. Not to mention feeling the need to fit in with our peers, or flipping through magazines that taught us being loved by others was more important than being loved by ourselves. I could come up with a million examples of where the people pleasing epidemic has come from, but I think you get the idea!

Here is the thing though: People pleasing only feels like it’s protecting you from shame, judgement, and rejection. In reality, we all experience these things anyway, because pleasing everyone is impossible!

This nasty habit feels safe, comfortable and harmless because of the perceived benefits. But sacrificing yourself is never going to get you the life you want! I know this, because I have been the girl who tries to please everyone, and for a long time I felt like it was really important to keep doing it. But, do you know what I learned once I started trying to please myself instead? That I am important, and that if people that don’t want me in their life because I’m no longer trying to please them, then they do not deserve my friendship.

Since I started working on myself, my friend group has changed, but I got to learn who my true friends were and grow into a person who isn’t afraid to be herself and develop much deeper bonds with the people who love me for me. I don’t want you to be scared of losing all your friends, that’s not going to happen! If you do lose a few, it’s because they weren’t really your friends to begin with. And wouldn’t you prefer to know that sooner rather than later?

I know you probably understand all of this intellectually, and just don’t know where to begin. Which is totally understandable considering this is something that has become ingrained into your personality. Here are 3 incredible tips to get you started on your road to putting yourself first!

Tip #1 : Pause and Reflect

Whenever possible, it is so important that before you say yes when someone asks you to do something that you pause and reflect. This pause can help you interrupt your usual pattern of immediately saying yes, overbooking or overwhelming yourself, resentfully doing the thing anyway, and eventually hitting burnout.

So, the next time you are asked to do something, I want you to pause and ask yourself “If there was no risk of upsetting anyone, what would I choose right now?”. Try not to overthink this, go with your gut instinct and follow through with that decision.

If you’re struggling with feeling guilty, or someone does get upset this is a great opportunity to remind yourself “my needs are equally important as everyone else’s and I am not responsible for how others react to me honouring that”. At first, this step is easier when the person isn’t right in front of you waiting for a response, I totally get that! If you need to, tell them you have to check your schedule or anything else you can say to delay giving an answer don’t be afraid to do that. This delay will allow yourself time to pause and reflect and make sure that you’re not going to regret or resent your decision later.

Finally, always remember, doing something for someone and resenting them for it later is not fair to either of you.

Tip #2: Prioritise Me Time

It can be extremely challenging at first to start saying no as a people pleaser. So, it can be helpful to start smaller if this is something you’re really struggling with.

I first started doing this by prioritising non-negotiable “me time”. I even put it in my calendar so that if someone asked me to do something I would see it and remember I have plans to connect with myself and recharge.

This can be a big mindset shift for recovering people pleasers because we have spent a LONG time valuing other people’s time more than our own. It can feel like no big deal to bail on plans you have with yourself, but, let’s think about this for a minute. If you wouldn’t reschedule a friend, then why would you do it to yourself? What do you think that is teaching your subconscious? That you are not important and that your time isn’t valuable! This creates a never ending cycle of continually breaking down trust with yourself leading to lower self esteem, burnout and definitely NOT creating the life you want!

My tip for you is to plan at least 30 minutes every day to do something just because you enjoy it and allow yourself to forget even just for a little while about your to-do list, and others expectations, wants and needs.

Tip #3: Practice Setting Boundaries

In the early days of trying to break your people pleasing habit, it can be so easy to fall back into your old ways if someone questions you. Picture a friend asking you to hang out, but you feel really overwhelmed and just want time alone, so you manage to fight against every urge you have to people-please and say no. But what do you do if your friend says, “Why? What are you doing?”. Likely, you immediately cave at this point, but if you do manage to say “Well, i was just going to hang out alone.” they of course, they come back with, “You can do that anytime and it’s so hard to line up our schedules as it is!”.

This is a nightmare situation for a people pleaser, and since you just used all your energy saying no the first time, you cave and agree to hang out against your own wants/needs. Sound familiar? This is a very common situation, so I wanted to make sure to include a step to help you combat this.

Most of the time when you’re in this situation, the other person means well. Typically they don’t want you to compromise your boundaries to do what they want they just don’t know what your boundaries are.

But, people who don’t struggle with people pleasing (or people who are lifelong people pleasers who see no other way out) tend to do this because they love you and want to spend time with you. This is why setting boundaries with people you feel safe to do so with is so important.

I know this can feel awkward, but if you aren’t clear about what your boundaries are, you can’t expect people to follow them! If you have someone in your life you want to set a boundary with, it doesn’t have to be a big deal, it can be as simple as saying “I wanted you to know, I am working on my habit of people-pleasing and it would help me a lot if you could avoid asking me to change my answer when I say no. I love you and want you to be happy, so saying no the first time is extremely tough.

But, I have to start saying no sometimes to take care of myself. Are you open to helping me practice this?”. It likely won’t be possible to set a boundary with every person you know, and that’s okay! It will still be helpful to reduce the amount of times you have to use your willpower to say no. With time and practice, you won’t waiver when someone questions you and will be able to say no with ease!

I hope you find these tips helpful, and if you feel you need additional support to work through this check me out at normalnotwrong on Facebook and Instagram. Or, head on over to my Website to snag your FREE 30 minute call to talk about what you’re struggling with and how we can get you where you want to be!